If you know me even the least little bit, you know I love to move. There is really not a rhythm or genre of music that can start before some part of my body starts to follow the beat.
I teach fitness classes and my movements always match the music. I love to dance. Freestyle of course, as it was very long ago that I took ballet and realized I didn’t have the patience for it – at about 7 years old I believe, so long ago, I don’t really remember….
So, I LOVE worship music. Since all of this began, I have cried more than I ever have in my life while listening to it. Usually, worship music makes me move just like any other music- it fills me up and I find strength. Lately, I hear worship music and I empty out and realize how weak I am.
We found out Mark had Leukemia (AML) on Maundy Thursday. On Resurrection Sunday, I took my girls to church and for the first time in my life, I lifted my helpless hands and CRIED in worship. I was telling God in my mind, “I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. And I’ll praise you in this storm- I will lift my hands, for you are who you are no matter where I am. And every tear I cry, you hold in your hands. You never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm.”
“I will praise you in this storm.” And up until yesterday, that praise was really my relinquishing all “power and control” to God alone and understanding that He is God and I am not and I learned a new way to praise and worship Him – Through my helpless tears. Yesterday, I moved my feet and clapped my hands and I felt some joy in my worship that I haven’t felt in a while. At first, I felt weird. I have joy? How?
I believe that God is my source of joy. I have had two points in the past month and a half where I thought for sure I was going to need to be medicated. My hands shook and my tears fell and my stomach felt as though my gut had just been punched a few times and I thought, “I’m not going to make it.” And I prayed and I asked for prayer and somehow truly had a peace that surpasses all of my understanding and I made it through and I didn’t take anything at all to get through it.
I know I am not always going to feel like dancing when I hear worship music now. But, yesterday I did. I also know a new freedom and that is to fall absolutely apart before God and trust that He will pick up the pieces of my breaking heart and He will hold it (and me) together. I cannot describe in words the way this feels- but it is a beautiful thing and it is one thing in this big mess of a storm that I am grateful to have found.
Here is the song by Casting Crowns…. I suppose if I were still writing lyrics as I did back in my late 20’s, these would have been the ones I would write right now.